Everyday there is a new book on the market that promises to help make the reader lose weight. I have tried most of them and unfortunately, merely reading the books has done little good.
Consequently, in my never-ending search for the perfect diet I have assembled what I believe to be a foolproof method of losing weight. It does not require buying a book or any special foods. All this method requires are the services of a three-year-old boy.
The first step toward the new you is to sit down to a meal with the child. If you do not have a three-year-old boy of your own do not dismay. They are quite easily obtained by contacting the mother of the child. Naturally, an added benefit of this diet will be the extra income derived from taking him off the hands of the mother at mealtime.
Once you have the child the next step is to set a place for him at the table. Prepare a dinner consisting of pea salad, spaghetti, French bread and ice cream. It is not necessary to fix anything for yourself because you most definitely will not feel like eating after you have observed his eating habits.
Notice how he contemplates his pea salad. What he is doing is trying to decide the best way to eliminate the peas, the cheese, and the onions while still being able to get to the mayonnaise.
Usually he will do this by sorting the various components into neat little piles. After he has finished, he will then proudly pick up a handful of peas and say “green!” as he mashes them into a close rendition of pea soup. He will then roll the cheese into a ball and say “yellow!”. Next he will take the onions and say “Yuck!” as he throws them on the table, because everyone knows that when you really, really detest something you cannot even have it anywhere near your plate for fear of contamination.
Now the spaghetti is a different matter. He will love that. Not to eat, mind you, but to play with. It will utterly astound you how many times he can wrap one strand of spaghetti around his nose. He will be very proud of this and will expect you to clap vigorously and tell him how clever he is. However, you must save some of your praise for the way in which he can get a spoonful of spaghetti into his mouth with one slurp and end up with a relatively small amount of sauce in his hair.
He will also like the French bread. Not the crust, of course. He will carefully eat the insides of the bread and leave the crust intact as this makes a lovely bracelet. It is wise to continue letting him wear the bracelet as this will prevent him from using it to play ring-toss with the candlesticks.
When it is time for dessert you may remind him that he may want to now begin using his silverware. In fact, you should insist he use his spoon in order to the full effect of his attack on the ice cream.
Observe how he uses the spoon to get the first scoop of ice cream. From there, however, his primitive instincts take over. The ice cream is entirely too good to chance losing some of it on its way to his mouth so he delicately transfers it from the spoon into the palm of his hand. There it sits, just long enough to begin to melt between his fingers on to his lap. Then, quickly, before he loses too much, WHOOSH! he slaps it into his mouth. This routine is repeated with the next spoonful.
So there you have it. My own foolproof method of rapid weight loss. According to my findings it has worked in every case except those instances where one decided that rather than give up the food they would prefer to give up the three-year-olds.